What's this?!
Hold your horses!
Help! Help! Let me out, please!
I can't breathe!
Oh, for the love of mercy!
Somebody, get me out of here!
Oh, that's better.
What?
Yodel-ay-he-hoo!
The old Delphi Carnival trick works every time.
Oh, ho, ho. And, oh - those carny women - heh-heh.
Let's see, here - gowns, shoes - uh, a couple a' lousy dinars on the black market. Not much profit in here.
Royal ball - Antioch?
Ho-ho-ho-ho - now this is priceless.
Don't mean to be indelicate, But I don't want your etiquette.
- All right! - Lookin' good!
If you think - I'm just too crass. Then you can kiss my sassafras
Yeah! Let's have a ball, tonight. Doing wrong can feel so right.
Take my advice, and you'll be free! Come on, have a ball with me!
Come on, have a ball with me. Come on, have a ball with me.
Thank you! Thank you!
I warmed 'em up for you.
Thanks, Cupcake. Tough act to follow.
Autolycus.
Hello, Cupcake.
You don't seem very thrilled to see me.
Well, it's - just that I didn't expect to ever see you again.
I know. The truth is, I felt pretty bad about what happened between us -
and ever since that time, I've been looking for a way to make it up to you.
And guess what? I've got a proposal for you.
You do?!
How would you like to be a princess?
A princess? Uh, what's the catch?
No, not what's the catch - who's the catch?
And he's the prince of Antioch.
Oh, yeah, like that'll happen.
And I thought you came here because you cared about me.
I did - and I do.
You see, the prince can't become a king without a queen.
Hmm, so what do you do?
You throw a royal ball and you invite all the beautiful princesses from around the land, and you, my sweet - are going.
I might just - tag along.
'The prince of Antioch.' Oh, hey - he's the guy who owns that famous sapphire.
Really? Say, where's the romance? Is that all you can think of? A man's jewels?
Hey! This says, 'Princesses only.' And I'm not a princess.
Not yet.
The prince of Antioch is a monster!
Now, calm down. No man loved peace more than King Stephan.
Why would the son turn so unlike the father?
Ambition, power, greed - take your pick. Two of my villages have been burned to the ground.
That's - pretty convincing.
I'll see him in Tartarus before he takes my kingdom.
That's why I asked you here.
Sorry, King Jorgas. I won't help you start a war.
But give us the chance to prevent one.
You're too late. The village of Perthia, on the border - do you know it?
Yeah, that's - half Carpathian and half Antioch - peacefully coexisting with each other.
Uh, not anymore. The town is set to erupt. Prepare for battle!
Yes, sire!
We'll divide our forces at Perthia - one in the north, one in the south.
Don't you realize that hundreds of your people will die?
Maybe thousands. Is that what you want?
Look, you asked for my help. All I need is two days to sort this out.
Well, come on - you owe your people that much.
All right, Hercules - but how will you save Perthia?
No! No! A thousand times, no!
Now, that's only three - unless my abacus is off.
Oh, uh - did I mention? You get your own - castle?
With beautiful - twin turrets?
Say, what's with all the scrolls?
Aw, Jeez! I'm studyin' - preparin' for the future - 'cause a dancer's life is short!
Exactly. You know? You gotta get a second career.
Otherwise, you're gonna wind up in the old showfolks' home with the Minotaur man, the bearded lady, and the human prune.
Hey, but why are you doing this?
Well, gee, Cupcake, I - just wanna see you happy.
And how much happier can you be than living the life of a princess, huh?
Yes, that's my reward in all this - that and a - certain sapphire.
But, it's deception.
Oh, I don't know about that.
Think of it as playing another part - your greatest challenge ever.
Oh, but - princesses have - tutors and - private schooling, and - silk underwear.
Oh, Cupcake, you don't have to be intelligent - just act it.
And I'll work on the underwear.
What do you think you're doing?! This is an Antioch well!
Go drink from that horse trough, Carpathian.
There's no water for you or your kind, here!
Fine - but remember that bakery over there is a Carpathian bakery!
There's no bread for you, here!
Bakery?
Not a moment too soon.
What bakery?!
Fire, fire!
Yeah, and maybe a moment too late.
Fire!
Go back to Carpathia! We don't want you here!
We don't want your kind here, either!
Break it up! Break it up!
Hey! Enough!
Hey, Hey! Get him!
That's enough!
Better.
Now, who started this?!
He did!
All right, um - say it again.
Aw, gee - do I have to?
Don't hunch your shoulders like that.
I want a nice, straight back - head erect - with a smile that says, 'I'm trapped overnight in a candy store.'
An angry Ares often errs irrevocabably - irrevaculably - irrecolulably?
Oh, yeah - like I'm ever gonna use that in a conversation!
It's just a drill. Don't jiggle.
Well, that, I can't help.
No, but I can.
I'm talking about these - not those. Those can move at will.
Oh, that feels nice.
Hey, but- hey, but don't get too used to it.
If your plan works - we won't see each other, anymore.
That's true, Cupcake.
But sometimes, you've gotta lose something you treasure - for a greater gain.
Oh, that's profound - and so selfless.
I know. I barely have any self left.
It's because you're not cut out of that man!
What's your problem?! There's nothing to do with it! Come on, man!
All right, all right! One at a time!
Any luck?
No - we searched the whole town.
That's because the guy that started this doesn't come from here!
- Liar! - You're a liar!
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Now, maybe he was just looking for a fight.
You mean, an agitator, sent to stir things up?
Exactly.
You people of Perthia - have lived all of your lives in harmony.
Your homes are right next to each oher - and now you let the words of a stranger turn you into enemies!
Well, what about our villages that the people from Antioch burned?
I'm not so sure that they did.
King Jorgas doesn't want to start a war.
Give me your word - that you'll keep a truce until I can find out what is what.
Come on, put your hands together.
Good. Now, you can all start repairing the bakery - together.
You go to Antioch and - keep a lid on the prince until I get there.
What're you gonna do?
I'm gonna find out who did this.
Then I'll bring King Jorgas there, myself - even if I have to carry him.
OK.
Oh, why can't I just be myself?
Oh, you can Cupcake - you should be, but - not until you get married like every other woman.
All right now, take a nice, deep breath
Geez, Louise!
Sorry, I guess I'm better at - unlacing.
Married?! Don't you rush me! I'd never marry someone I didn't love.
I mean, what if he turns out to be a jerk?! I have known one or two.
Really? Well, you oughtta give this prince a chance, you know?
He's young - heir to a throne - and possibly better-looking than me.
Well - that's a stretch.
I don't care. I have to follow my heart.
Don't you ever do that?
I - better check on the - carriage.
You know, just out of curiosity, what is with all the scrolls?
We're going to a ball, not a seminar.
Well, gee! I wanna study up - so I can discuss things with the prince.
Ha-ha-ha! Phooey! He's a man! Talk about him.
All men think they're fascinating. In my case, it's justified.
Uh, but, uh -
I know. Why don't you just bat those baby blues, smile a lot, and don't say a word?!
Ooh, that's it!
Stop the coach!
Stop! I want off!
That was a little obvious. You might not wanna throw yourself at the prince.
Don't you worry! I won't embarrass you - because I'm not going!
Oh, ho - wait, you can't quit! Not after all the work I've done!
All the work you've done?!
I've put up with crummy costumes, too-tight shoes, stupid vocal drills - as if I need them.
And now, you don't even want me to talk?! I hate you!
Hey - say that again.
I hate you?
No, no, no, no - like you wanna kill me.
- I hate you! - Good, once more.
I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!
By Zeus, I think you've got it!
Oh, really?!
Driver - an extra dinar if you get us there posthaste - if not sooner.
Now - there's only one thing left.
Come up with a name.
Argatha, princess of Egypt? Nah, nobody would ever come that far.
Argatha, princess of Egypt, and Hippolyta, princess of Helos.
Welcome to Antioch.
Thank you for coming. I look forward to getting to know you.
The honor is mine.
My Lord - I just heard the news. The Carpathians have launched a full-scale war.
Iolaus of Corinth.
Uh - I've got a message from King Jorgas.
Good - I have a message for him, too.
Jorgas pulled a sneak attack in Perthia.
No! No, no, no! He didn't!
Uh - Hercules and I were there this morning. There's a truce.
And now, he's bringing the king to you, so he can negotiate with you.
He'll come, all right - with ten thousand men.
If Hercules brings him to Antioch - he brings him to his execution.
This is my message: Death to all Carpathians.
Hermia, princess of Carpathia.
Seize her!
Maybe we should've gone with 'Erin of Gaul.'
Unhand the princess and myself!
You risk the threat of war - or at least a vicious trade embargo.
And who - are you?
I'm Autolycus - the king -'s advisor - and protector of the princess.
Autolycus - I know exactly who this man is!
King Jorgas would never have let him come here with his daughter - unless his intentions were truly peaceful.
It's a trick.
How? You have the princess at your mercy.
She's - she's an olive branch extended to prevent a - a terrible catastrophe.
Ah, look, if we've come at a bad time, I -
My Lord, don't be fooled Throw them both in jail. We must attack, now!
No - we wait for Hercules.
But, My Lord -
I've made my decision.
Welcome, Hermia.
Princess Hermia - is a brunette!
I knew that was a dye job!
That is not her. Who is she?
Uh - Erin of Gaul.
That is not a princess! And you're here - to steal the sapphire of Antioch.
You mean it's here in the castle of Antioch?! Talk about your wild coincidences!
Listen - the only reason I covered for you was to buy some time - and prevent a war.
Oh, so now you need me.
Well, let's start showing a little more respect for the man who's preventing a war.
I oughtta get a reward, like the, uh, sapphire of Antioch?
Look! Your reward - is that you're gonna be able to disappear when Hercules gets here - without - the jewel!
And in the meantime - keep your nose clean!
Maybe you should stop lookin' up my nose!
Of course, I guess you can't help it, huh?
Here, you go!
Before ya know it, it's gonna be as good as new!
Hello. I had a feeling you'd be back.
Stopping me won't stop the war.
It's bigger than me.
So am I.
Now, who's paying you to do this.
King Jorgas.
Then, let's go say hello to your boss.
Hi. Are you all right?
Oh, yeah. Royal balls always make me nervous.
Yeah. Uh - look - I know you're not - Princess Hermia.
Is it that obvious?
Well -
Oh, gee - Why did I let Autolycus talk me into this?
I mean, even if he thinks he's doing me a favor, I -
Favor? Wait - do you know why you're here?
Well, sure - so I can meet Prince Alexandros - hmm.
Did, uh - Autolycus ever mention his - hobby?
Um - collecting things that aren't - collectible?
What are you trying to tell me?
He - is using you - to get him here - so he can - steal something.
You're lying. He is not a thief.
He's the one that's lying.
I know this is gonna be difficult for you, but - look - I have to prove it.
The sapphire's probably gone by now. So is he.
There it is.
Beautiful, isn't it?
I told you he wasn't a thief.
Couldn't get past the security, huh?
Iolaus, why would I want to?
Come along, Dear. Let's practice our diction.
Why don't you tell her why you're really here?!
And it's not so she can - meet the prince.
Never underestimate great talent - especially mine.
I personally have groomed her for this role.
If you're gonna talk about me like I'm not here, I'll make it easier for you!
- Goodbye! - Oh, Cupcake, I -
That's her name? Cupcake?
Yes. She's something, isn't she?
She's got fire, looks and a great set a' - scrolls.
Have yourself a wonderful evening. I know I will.
Wha - ?! Where is she?! The evening's half over.
Don't you worry about a thing. She'll be here. I've got it all figured out.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Princess Hermia - of Carpathia.
That's my cue.
She's absolutely radiant.
She's beautiful.
She really glows! Beautiful!
What's wrong?
Oh, uh - nothing of any - consequence.
She moves so fluidly.
There's something there. She's a lot like me.
Vision of beauty.
You look - enchanting.
If you'd come earlier, our two kingdoms wouldn't be preparing for war - or looking for help from Ares.
An angry Ares often errs, irrevocably eradicating the erstwhile enemy.
That's - very interesting.
So, music and geometry are connected!
Yes, yes! See, and that's why I think Pythagoras is really onto something with his theory.
You're so different. Most women just wanna flatter me - and I hate that.
Oh, how funny! Most other men find themselves fascinating.
And it's rarely justified.
Speaking of fascinating - tell me more about yourself.
- asked me to wear such an large gown. I mean - really - !
Excuse me?
Um - is this yours?
You're welcome.
Now, I remember!
My brother has a poster of the showgirls at the Panathenicon - and she looks exactly like one of them.
Oh, what was her name?
Twinkie. Ding-dong. Ho-ho! Ah, something like that.
Well - evening's almost over. Looks like we're home free.
Are you kidding? We were home free when she walked in.
My Lord - you share a passion with Princess Hermia.
Not yet - but I'd like to.
Euripides - she played one of his classic roles. Remember?
Yeah, um - Electra! Her favorite!
Uh, did I hear a rooster crow? The princess must be so tired.
You must remember, 'Wouldst that the gods have made thee clean of soul.'
'Helen and thou, oh face and form were fair.
But sisters twain they were, a stain on Castor's star.'
That's one of my two favorite plays!
Oh - me too! And I love 'Lysistrata,' and what it has to say about war.
That's the other one!
Would you care to dance?
I would love to.
Ladies and gentlemen, please clear the floor for Prince Alexandros and Princess Hermia.
A stain on Castor's star'?
I knew once we scratched that shallow, selfish, egotistical surface of yours, we'd find more of the same underneath.
No, no, I'm just kidding. Good work.
Yeah, I'm a regular genius.
Lovely!
Here, here.
You're a terrific dancer.
Thank you. You know, I sing, too.
Oh, really?
I'd love to hear you some time.
Well, how about now? Ah! They're playing my song!
What's she doing?
Oh, she's ruining our plans.
A royal crowd has come to town. The Prince has brought them here.
The girls are in their finest gowns - A smile from ear to ear.
But, underneath these fancy clothes, There's always been a girl who knows.
To keep from feeling sad and blue, And to herself she must be true.
Let's have a ball tonight! Come on, y'all! Don't be uptight.
Forget the pomp and circumstance. Just let it all hang out and dance.
Don't mean to be indelicate, But I don't want your etiquette.
If you think I'm just too crass, Then you can kiss my sassafras!
Yeah! Let's have a ball, tonight. Doing wrong can feel so right.
Take my advice, and you'll be free! Come on, have a ball with me!
Come on, have a ball with me. Come on, have a ball with me.
How about that, huh?
But wait! She's just a dance-hall singer!
I've never been so humiliated!
I know 'Euripdes'. Oh, 'Euripides' - that's my favorite play. Puh-lease!
I don't get it. You had the perfect diversion. Why didn't you use it?
That, my friend, is the million-dinar question.
Yeah? So, why didn't you grab the sapphire?
Look, if I stole it, the jig would be up, and you're tryin' to prevent a war, aren't ya?
Oh, you're being noble! Come on, who're ya tryin' to kid?!
Only myself.
Of course, I want that jewel! I should be halfway to Crete by now!
How was I supposed to know that my perfect plan would be turned upside down by a - show girl?
Ohhhhh - so that's what this is all about!
Well - call me crazy - but - I think you've fallen in love - with your own creation.
OK - you're crazy.
- And you - are waaaaay off. - Oh, yeah.
OK? Look - if she wants to waste her time with that handsome, wealthy - honest prince - well, that's just - fine.
You know - if you really want her, you're gonna have to come clean about your past.
Oh, how did I know you were gonna say that?
How far back? Fall was slow. Is that far enough?
Uh-uh. And - you're gonna have to get a legitimate job.
As what?! The-the king a' locksmiths?!
Hey, now, that's catchy!
Well, you're tryin' to force me into this!
Hey, listen - this is bigger than you and Cupcake.
So - we wait here for Hercules, OK?
OK.
Bring him in.
Your Majesty - this man claims that you hired him to start a war between Antioch and Carpathia.
Yes. You personally sent me to stir up trouble in Perthia and two other towns.
And what if the king denies this?
Then the king lies!
He's not the king.
Good plan, Hercules.
Your punishment is death -
Unless, of course, you tell us who really - put you up to this?
Sorry, I - don't know my own strength.
Sir - there's no sign of Flectus.
How can the prince die in battle, when there's no war with Carpathia?
And he seems genuinely interested in Princess Hermia.
I know - a marriage means peace.
I want her kingdom, too, when I take over Antioch.
So - Darsus - we need a reason to retaliate immediately.
And I think I've got one.
Cuppy - you know you want me.
Cupcake - I'm the guy for you.
Autolycus - it's me.
Oh-ho - Cupcake, uh - come on in.
Thank you for last night! He's wonderful.
Oh, uh - no problem. You know, it's - just the two of us. You can - use your normal voice.
I don't think I can, anymore. You have changed me - hmm.
Thank you for that, too.
Um - hmm. Let's - talk about change.
Oh, I can't. The prince summoned me.
I wanna be honest with you.
Well, sure. And that's what I'm gonna be with Alexandros.
I'm a thief. As a matter of fact - I am the king of thieves.
Oh. Then Iolaus was right. You lied to me - again.
No, see - that's my whole point. For the first time, I didn't steal anything.
The only reason I went through all this - was so that I could spend time with you -
to see if what we - almost had before could -
Well, that's perfect, see, 'cause - here's what I wanna talk to you about. Um -
- Princess Hermia! - Uh, yeah - just a second.
What I wanna ask you, Cupcake - do you think, that there's a way - ?
The prince is waiting.
Coming. We'll talk later.
Princess Hermia, hmm.
I've become a different person since I met you.
Me, too. And that's why I have a confession to make. I -
It'll have to wait.
Uh, Iolaus!
Hey! How'd it go?!
There's gonna be a fight!
You mean, she took it that badly?!
No, there's gonna be a fight!
Get them!
Up there! To the prince's chambers!
Not the face!
I've only known you - for a short while, but - i-it's enough for me.
Alexandros - first, you have to know -
Open up! In the name of Carpathia!
You have betrayed me!
No! Please believe me! I-I never! I-I couldn't!
Where are the castle guards?!
Unfortunately, out on maneuvers - my Lord.
Why do you hesitate? Kill him. Kill them both! Now!
Hey - rich boy!
Alexandros!
Hey! Nice to see ya!
It's good to be seen.
Not so fast, pal!
Iolaus! Do you think you can handle the rest of them?!
Yeah! Yeah, uh - I got it!
How ya doin', your Highness?
It's only a graze. Thanks. You saved my life.
Yeah, well, you know, it's seven years' bad luck to have a - dead prince fall on ya.
Oh, good - you're done fighting.
Vitron - you're in some kind a' conspiracy with King Jorgas.
That's not true.
The king came with me - to assure you of his friendship.
Anyone you know?
Darsus! So it's true! You - you sent your daughter to me in peace.
That's not my daughter.
What? Who are you?
Uh - I'm nobody. I'm sorry. I don't belong here.
Uh, listen, I think I can offer a complete, yet brief explanation. This is all my fault.
Cupcake!
I'm so ashamed. What's the penalty - for impersonating a princess?
None. You don't ever have to pretend for me.
I don't?
No. I love you just as you are.
You do?
I do.
Will you marry me?
So, when's the date?
Soon, I hope. You know, once you get into spring, all the good halls are booked.
Well, funny - the first thing I wanted to do was - to share it with you.
Well, I appreciate that.
I - guess it's not the sort of thing you wanna read in the, uh - Antioch Enquirer, huh?
Congratulations.
Thank you.
But it's just all happening so fast.
Well, last night - he saw how beautiful you were - how talented - and no - you don't have to act it - how intelligent you are.
He sees all that?
I saw it. I mean, he - saw it - too, of course.
So, it's not hard to understand why he would want you - bad is my guess.
It's a little dry in this castle, uh - you might wanna do something about that when you're queen.
I've only felt this way - once - before.
That's funny - the same here. It just didn't work out.
Well - as somebody once told me - the person for you is out there.
Sure - all the best to you, Cupcake.
You know? I truly thought that you'd be the one for me.
Yeah, I thought so, too.
I love you, Cupcake.
Aw, I gotta tell ya, Hercules.
This has been harder than stealing the Chronos Stone out of Quallus' ball.
I know.
Tougher than snatchin' the sandals off a' - old Hermes' feet.
Well - the girl that got away, huh?
Two of 'em - the princess and the show girl.
Yeah, but thanks to you, there'll be a new alliance ensuring peace for their children.
Thanks to you, I'm going broke. See ya later, fellas.
Hey, hey, hey, wait - aren't ya gonna stick around for the - official announcement?
Oh, no - you haven't seen me cry. Believe me, it's not a pretty sight.
Ah - you're-you're gonna be OK, aren't cha?
Oh - sure - eventually. All I have left right now is - one - shiny memory.
One shiny, blue memory.
Hey, Herc, Herc - wait. You know - things have gone so badly for him.
Why not let him keep it for a while?
Yeah - you're right.
OK, that's long enough.