Last time, on Hercules -
Hercules!
Hercules?
Why would I wanna kill a pig?
Because this pig - is Hercules.
Hi, there. Nice day for a ride, don’t you think? I’m Catherine.
Are-are - are you talkin’ - to me?
If we had Hermes’ sandals - we could cover this entire province in no time!
I’ll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way, capeche?
We’re in a slaughterhouse - and the man who brought us here is a butcher.
OK - think, Herc.
Stop this crazy thing!
You idiot! This isn’t Hercules!
What?!
That pigs’s a girl!
Way to go, Favio.
What’s the matter, Discord? Chicken?
You! Are on my list!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, it’s not too late to go back.
Will you - come with me?
It would be my pleasure to take you home.
See, if I could, I-I - I’d tell you that everthing is gonna be OK -
you know, that your - family’s not gonna be upset that you ran away, and that -
well, they’re gonna be glad that you came home.
That’s all well and good as far as it goes, but there was more to my running away than I told you.
Catherine - I - I can still understand you!
Well, it’d be sad if you forgot everything you learned as a pig.
Yeah! But you just let me go on and on - ever since we left my mother’s house, without - so much as an oink!
I mean, why didn’t you tell me we could still talk to each other?!
I wasn’t sure - you’d want to, since you’re human again. Humans are sort of above the rest of us.
That’s what most of ‘em seem to believe, anyway - that, they’re superior.
I’ve been both. I, uh - I know better.
Enough! OK?!
Fix this! Lean on Artemis! Get her to change me back!
Not to hurry, Discord. The possibilities here are - interesting.
Not a chance! Pull it on some other pullet.
Just give me back my body!
All in good time. You were close to greatness.
Turning Hercules into a porker, it was what? Genius.
But, you blew it.
You just had to be the porkee.
You’ve got a one-track mind.
What do you want from me? Beside the obvious.
What can a chicken do to Hercules?
My mind isn’t on my brother, right now.
It’s on that piddling mortal who did this to you - Iolaus.
I’m offended he thought he could get away with it.
You’re offended. How do you think I feel?!
My giblets are in a stew!
Your giblets got you into this in the first place.
Perhaps it’ll teach you to keep your tail feathers together.
What?! Oh - you are really twisted, you know that?
I think I’ll leave you the way you are for now - give you time to think about how you screwed up the perfect opportunity.
Don’t push it. Next time - it won’t be an egg.
What kind of gratitude was that?!
Let me tell you something.
Hermes without his little sandals is a nobody.
You think he’d be glad to get ‘em back.
Well - considering we stole them in the first place, I can understand his attitude.
Well, I still think it was a bad idea.
You know, eventually, I would’ve gotten the hang of flying those little puppies, and it would’ve been very handy.
Oh, yeah, handy for quick getaways, leaving no trace.
No, no - you misunderstood me. I meant ‘handy’ in - a good way.
You mean, like you could steal everything, and anything?
That’s your idea of a good way.
I prefer to think of it as honing my craft.
Oh, please - ahh!
Ares.
Oh, I got a bad feeling.
Oh, it’s - gonna be so much more than a bad feeling.
Does this look familiar?!
Let me at ‘em!
Ah - well - the - ah, the beak looks - familiar, but - you know what?
To tell you the truth, all chickens pretty much look the same to me.
So, what do you think, uh - original recipe or - spartacue sauce.
Impudent toad! Before this day is out, you’ll be grovelling for mercy.
Get ready for the worst day of your miserable lives!
Doesn’t he know I’m the king of thieves?
I’ll shuck these toys like a bad habit.
Those chains were forged by Hephaestus.
No lock to pick - no way to get out.
You two are stuck with each other.
By the end of the day - you will despise each other.
That’ll be an improvement.
Yep. OK. She doesn’t think the chains are enough, and you know? I think I agree.
I’ll be back. Got a big surprise in store - for you - Iolaus.
Oh, I don’t know why Ares included me in his little game.
You’re the one that turned Discord into a chicken!
Yeah - but only so she wouldn’t turn you into a rat - which, now that I think about it - you already are!
Will you watch we’re I’m going!
Oh, look! My arrangement! You’ve rearranged my arrangement!
Oh, what if I did? There’s plenty of small leaves around.
We gotta find some clothes.
OK! Say we did? How would we get ‘em on, with these?!
Hercules! He’s the one that can break us free!
Before Ares comes back with his big surprise! Whatever that is.
OK - and where do you suppose we find Hercules? He could be anywhere!
What is this?! Twenty questions?!
Catherine! Hercules has gone to take her home! We’ll go there first!
All right, well let’s get going. I’m flapping in the breeze, here!
- OK! - Yeah!
OK!
I’ve been thinking about something, Hercules.
Would you help me - become human?
But you don’t like humans. Why would you wanna be one?
Some of ‘em are pretty nice.
Humans can do as they please. Pigs can’t.
Look, everyone lives with some limitations.
But - you’re smart - and brave, and generous. I’ve seen that.
That’s well and good, as far as it goes, but I’m still a pig.
The king of thieves in a sack! My image is ruined!
Listen, you! Why don’t you just pick up the pace?!
Because the sooner we get there, the sooner Hercules can free us!
And the sooner I’ll be rid of you!
You know, two can play the yank game?
Oh, yeah?
Yeah!
Do ya like - hospital food?
You wanna wake up with a crowd around ya?
You - and whose army?
You’re lookin’ at him.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Get up!
It just keeps gettin’ better and better.
Listen! I told you! I’m a hunter!
I’ve got an excellent sense of direction, and the village is this way!
Yeah? Well, I’m a thief. And I robbed that town.
And I’m tellin’ you, it’s back that way!
You couldn’t find your way out of a sock!
Hey! Let’s ask the little girl.
Oh, this is just too good.
Little girl -
You said it, Baby.
Wait till they try and explain themselves.
No one’ll understand a word they’re trying to say.
Hi, Honey. It’s -
What is her problem?
I don’t know. Kids, these days.
What is it?! What’s wrong?!
It was a monster! It looked like it was coming apart!
It tried to get me!
Come, Dear.
Let’s get it!
Believe me, you don’t even wanna be - half-human, I mean -
if the Fates had cast your destiny to be a human, you would’ve born that way.
But - you were meant to be a pig. I mean, that’s who you are.
I know you’re right, but if I have a chance to change that destiny and want to, shouldn’t I take it?
And shouldn’t you help me?
Look, Catherine, I wish I -
Hello, Aphrodite.
Who’s that?
Uh - don’t ask.
Don’t tell. I’d expect this sort of thing from Ares, but for you, Herc - it’s a little kinky.
Oh, you wish.
I’m here as a favor to Artemis?
Oh - yeah, right. I figured someone would be along.
She’s very grateful to you, Hercola.
And she wants if there’s anything she can do in return - or that I can do for her.
No, just tell her thanks - uh - I was glad to help.
Hercules - once the bow is gone, so is my hope.
It’s my one wish in life. Please?
I’m not up on my Pig Latin, but this sounds serious.
It’ll break my heart if I stay a pig.
She wants to be human.
Honey - you can wait until you’re old and cold for a man to get a clue.
But, broken hearts are my department.
A-Aphrodite, wh - d-don’t -
Yeah. There you go, Hamlet. If you’re gonna be one, you might as well look your best.
Thanks, Sis.
You’re welcome, Bro. Toodles.
Thank you, Hercules! Thank you! This is the happiest day of my life!
You’re welcome.
Oh, but I never thought clothes would be so uncomfortable!
Well, they’re kind of necessary.
I don’t see why. Not on a - beautiful, sunny day like today.
Look at that!
What? Oh, uh - uh, Catherine, I don’t think - no - no - n-n-it -
Uh - uh, Catherine, you really shouldn’t be - uh - I -
Mama! Look at the funny lady!
Uh - uh - Catherine, please - there’s, there’s - there’s - people.
Ohhh, boy!
Oh, yeah - take it off!
Take it all off!
Catherine, really - this isn’t a - good idea.
This - there’s people here, and it’s just - Catherine - see, humans don’t - do - this.
Come with me.
She, uh - says it’s good for her complexion.
I guess.
This is my favorite thing in the world!
All right, Mr. - ‘I-know-where-we-are’ - where are we?
We’re lost! That’s where we are!
We’re headed north! I know where we are!
Yeah - so do I. We’re in a swamp being eaten by bugs!
Look! A crowd of people came through here - not long ago.
See? The guy in the front was shorter than all the others.
That’s good, right?
Yeah.
Well, then, let’s find them. Surely, they know the way to civilization.
Wait, sh. Listen.
We’re lost again, ain’t we?!
There’s no monster here!
Yes, there is! You heard the girl! And this is the place he’ll be!
Nothing gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling like a mob of armed villagers.
Let’s get out of here. Probably no monster, anyway!
Come on!
Wow - are we glad to see you!
Yeah - somebody lose a - cow or - something?
You idiots! They can’t understand a word you’re saying!
I don’t think they can understand a word we’re saying.
You got it, Mud-boy.
It’s the monster!
Where?
Get him!
- Don’t let him escape! - Burn it alive!
No! Skin it alive!
- Maybe, over there! - Where’d he go?
- Where’s he go? - Where?
- He went that - ! - Over there!
- He went that way! - He could be anywhere! - By that bush!
- Where?! - Over there!
Who are those guys?
Beats me. Do I look as bad as you?
Yeah.
You know, the one drawback of life on the run - is missing regular meals. I am starved!
Wait, don’t eat those!
It’s a goosenberry! They’re supposed to be fermented!
A common mistake to the untrained eye.
See, this, my friend, is a farkenberry - it’s a cousin to the goosenberry, but with one important difference.
See? Your farken doesn’t put you to sleep like your goosen.
If this was a goosenberry - I’d be sound asleep by now!
Wait a sec - farkenberries.
Oh, great!
Oh, boy! I could do with some real boots!
You want boots? How ‘bout big boots?
And the feet to go with ‘em!
What the - ?!
Ares!
Don’t do that!
You got quite a set of wafflestompers there!
Oh. You like ‘em? Hey - you got ‘em!
Come on! Zap ‘em again!
What’s happening?!
What’s happening to us?!
I don’t know!
This is so much fun!
Is that it? Is that all you’ve got?
Oh, no. Not at all.
One glass -
This is beautiful! Everyone’s so pretty!
Well - so are you.
Um - I’ll - return your shirt as soon as I find a dress I like as much.
Looks - better on you than it does on me.
It’s always an honor to have you here, Hercules.
We’ll give you our best table.
Oh - thank you, Wolfgang.
It’s OK. Right there.
Sit.
I’m so hungry, I could eat an entire bucket of slop.
What’s this? What’s this for?
Oh, uh - that goes - on your lap - like this.
Yeah.
Here you are.
After this, I’d like to take a look around by myself - feel what it’s like to be one of you.
That’s a good idea. I’ll be around if you need me.
This is so exciting!
Catherine?
This is delicious.
That is disgusting!
Eats like an animal! Like a pig!
Hercules - I’m sorry, but, this won’t do!
Oh, um - of course, it will!
Really!
- not to be tolerated!
- in this restaurant!
Um, it’s very good soup! It’s a little salty for my taste, but it’s very good.
Thank you - I-I suppose.
I’ve seen enough.
Oh - boy. That was close.
Well - the good news is - it can’t get any worse.
Gotcha!
It’s an abomination! The only good monster is a dead monster!
This is not good.
Uh - fellas? Can we talk?
Let’s kill it - before it destroys our minds!
Hold on, here!
I - am PT Barnabus - founder of the greatest show in Greece.
And I can use this freak of nature - in my circus!
Follow me, one and all! A new freak for the new freak show!
Who you callin’ a freak, you geek?!
Hmm - actually, I hate to say this, but to him, we’re the geeks.
Oh, be careful! Not too close!
Stories of the big-footed, two-headed forest monster - has frightened our children for generations!
It’s true!
Yes, that’s why it belongs in a freak show!
Hideous! Anybody got a chicken?
Let’s see if it bites the head off!
Ooh - quick! We better act crazy!
I’d rather go home with Uncle Carny here, than end up a human pincushion!
OK.
Marvelous! Spectacular! I’ll pay top dinar!
You know? We gotta get out of here!
Well - what do you suggest?!
Run!
Are we talkin’ cash on the barrelhead?
You look good in a cage!
They’re gaining!
All right!
Hello!
This is another fine mess you got us into!
I’ve got two words for you - Discord - Artemis’ bow.
That’s three words.
Well, whatever.
You know? I can pick that puny lock in my sleep, but I actually think we’re safer in here.
Safe? Underneath these sacks, we’re naked. Where you been hiding the pick?
Don’t ask.
OK.
Freaks - outcasts - dregs of society.
Well - that’s life under the big top.
I was talking about us.
Don’t antagonize ‘em!
For once in your life, keep your trap shut - if it’s possible.
What? And miss out on all your insults and witty repartee? With pleasure!
Oh - go boil your head!
Hey! No sleeping on the job!
You give me that stick! I’ll ram it down your fat neck!
Yeah! You bloodsucking son of a Xiphopagus!
See this ferocious man-eater - in a fight to the death with Hippochimora - the muscle-man!
Come to the show! Come to the circus!
Come to the circus?! Come over here!
And I’ll do a high-wire act on that pasty face of yours!
You call that keeping your cool?
Next thing, they’re gonna wanna throw us to the lions!
Ah, stop with this! It’s all your fault!
Now, go to your corner, and get out of my hair!
OK, I will!
That’s amazing. It’s mating with itself
Mmm - goosenberries.
Come one! Come all! Two nights, only!
Come to the circus! Kids get in for a half a dinar!
A circus? Sounds like fun!
Aww - more fun than a human sacrifice - bloodier, too. Be there.
Sadie!
Do I know you?
It’s me - Catherine!
Catherine - I didn’t recognize you.
I’m a woman, now. I’m my own master.
Good for you. I’m proud of you.
You look a little thirsty.
Here, let me give ya a hand.
I’ve got two, now!
Thanks. That hits the spot.
You know how you said you used to - dream about breaking out of these traces, and riding off into the sunset?
Well, that’s what I’ve done, and it’s - wonderful.
I’m so happy for you.
Still - the farm hasn’t been the same without you. You really lit the place up.
We did have fun, didn’t we? I just - felt like it was time to move on - meet new friends - and I have.
He’s wonderful.
But Catherine, your family - they miss you terribly.
Your parents have been worried sick about you.
I’ve been thinking about them, too. I never meant to hurt them.
Hey, Herc!
Hey - how are you?
How’s the weather down there? See ya.
OK, ready!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yes!
Don’t make faces at the monster, Honey.
But for the grace of the gods, it could be you in that cage.
Now, run along.
Iolaus? Autolycus?
Boy, am I glad to see you!
I, uh - wish I could say the same, but you guys are makin’ me kind’a - queasy.
Wha-what are you doing in there?
Six shows a night - that’s what!
Yeah.
Hey! Now that the big guy’s here - this gig is over!
Yeah, I’m with you, buddy. Come on!
Wait! Let’s get outta here!
Come on! Come on!
Will you quit pushing me?!
I’m trying to get down the stairs!
You’re steppin’ on my feet!
Come on! What’re you doin’!
Hey - those are - big feet.
Well, you know what they say about big feet, don’t you?
Big boots?
All right! Would you guys quit it?!
Chains of Hephaestus! Ares! Discord!
Chicken! Chicken! Yeah - enough said!
Uh - yeah, I get the - picture.
Here - let me help. Hold still.
One minute.
It’s better over here.
Very funny! Come on! Get us out of these.
This is - sorry.
Come on.
Yeah. Ready?
Thanks, Herc!
What’s the matter? You - lose your shirt?
Oh, uh - it’s my - new look.
I’ll catch up with you later. I’ve gotta go see a goddess about a - pig.
Well, I wish I could say it’s been fun, but - it hasn’t.
- Yeah. - Good riddance.
You say anything about this - and I’ll deny everything.
No problem.
OK, whoever you are - you think you can sneak up on the king of thieves - you have another thing - sweet mother of Zeus!
Callipus!
Callipus! Don’t go!
I won’t hurt you! It’s me - Cahterine.
They don’t know you.
We grew up together.
But you’re different, now.
It won’t be so easy fitting in. Believe me, I, uh - I know.
I’m not ever gonna fit in this world - with you, am I?
Hercules, will you please take me home - where I belong?
I-it’s a mon! It’s a mon! Mo-mo-mo - monster! C-c-c-c-c-coming for us!
OK, w-w-wait. You mean? A real monster did this to you?
What kind of monster?
It’s a - it’s a big-g-g!
Big - Ares said there’d be a big surprise waiting for us.
OK, come on! Spit it out!
OK.
OK - it’s-it’s big, now, uh, uh - s-sounds like - ?
Uh - so - Ahh!
Hey! W-w-w-w-w-wait! This is getting us nowhere.
OK - where was this monster?
In the -
OK, let’s go.
Wrong direction.
See, if Ares is behind this - there’s no escaping it.
We might as well suck it up - and face it! Come on!
Come on!
Whatever it is, it belongs in my circus!
This is exciting!
Look, it’s all right. It’s OK. Calm down. It’s OK.
And they call us weirdos!
Is this the spot?
Wait - what kinda’ monster coulda’ made these tracks?
They look kind of familiar.
Hey! Act it out again! That’s funny!
It’s real big.
Look! It’s the monster!
Th-th-th-th - that’s it!
- It’s gigantic! - It’s colossal!
It’s a chicken. It’s - it’s Discord.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To kill us all!
Run!
Oh, where’s Hercules? He’s snoozin’ when he should be bruisin’!
Listen, if Hercules is around, he’ll be here!
She’s pretty hard to miss. Meantime - we’re on our own.
Oh, what do you mean, ‘We,’ sidekick?!
You’re the one that turned her into a chicken!
She’s lookin’ at you like you’re a drumstick!
Knock it off! I’ll try and distract her! You come up with a plan!
Yeah, easy for you!
Yeah.
Hey! Hey! Chicken! Come on!
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Don’t waste time! Get in the tent!
Come on! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! What’re you doing?!
We gotta get everybody in the tent to safety! Come on!
What, are you crazy?! This tent won’t stop that bird!
I gotta get outta here!
Well, Iolaus - I hope you know what you’re doing.
All right, everybody - listen up.
Step away from the sides of the tent.
Remain calm. Everything is under control.
You?! What happened to our distraction?!
Yeah, yeah - I know how you feel!
Come on! We gotta get these people out of this tent!
All right, everyone - out you go - nice and easy - single file, now - no pushing!
There is no reason to worry!
Hey, hey, hey, hey! Not - not the place to be! Go
There's a big - thing! Oh! Gotta go! Safety, safety! Come on! Everybody!
Iolaus, let’s get out of here!
So much for your plan beta!
Well, don't look at me! I'm usually causing trouble!
Let’s go! Let’s go!
Time for a new plan!
- I got a good one. - What?
- Run like Tartarus! - Yeah.
My baby! My baby! There!
Uh - I’ll get the baby.
You come up with plan - gamma.
I got you, Buddy.
Here’s your baby, Ma’am.
Oh - thank you.
I’ll collect later.
Plan gamma - plan gamma - plan - yeah!
- Come on, let’s go! - No, wait!
- What are you doing?! - Plan gamma.
Goosenberries?
Yeah.
OK, genius - how do we get her to take her medicine?
I’ll distract her! You do the rest.
Hey! You! Ya big chicken! Come on! Come on!
Is that all ya got?! Give it to me.
Come on! Come on!
I can take anything you got to give. What d’ya got to lose?!
For once, you’re thinkin’. OK - say the word.
Come on! Give me that! Come on! Come on! Now!
Say good night, Big Bird.
Yeah!
Come goosenberries, do your stuff.
You know? I haven’t laughed so hard, since the entire Mycenaean army drank rancid water and got the runs.
Let’s go, my little chickadee!
Iolaus - wait till Hercules hears that we took on a monster all by ourselves.
Yeah - you gonna tell him it was a chicken?
That’ll be our secret, huh?
You know, Iolaus?
Yeah?
You’re not half-bad. If I ever need a partner - you just might be the lucky one.
Thanks, Autolycus. I - I appreciate that.
But, uh - I’ve already got a pa -
I loved being human, Hercules. It’s just not me.
I guess you were right, all along.
Now who know who you really are.
I also know I’m gonna miss you.
I’ll miss you, too.
We’re ready, Aphrodite.
I had a feeling this would come in handy - although why anyone would wanna trade in a beautiful bod like that, is beyond me.
I just love the way that works!
They know me now, Hercules. I’m home.
One of these days, we’re gonna have a long talk - and I wanna hear all about it.
Goodbye, Catherine.
It’s so great to see you guys. I missed you so much.
You won’t believe what happened to me. I met the greatest human.