Redecorating?
Still upset about Strife, huh?
He was a geek with the IQ of a sponge.
Take my word for it - he’s better off dead.
Still - he was fun to kick around.
I think I may have found a way to cheer you up.
Oh - let me guess. You hatched a plan to rid the world of my overrated half-brother.
So, what else is new?
All right - enough’s enough.
Snap out of it.
You’re starting to become a real drag.
Why, Discord - I’d forgotten what a temper you have.
I know we haven’t been the best of - friends, lately.
So, why don’t you let me make it up to you?
Oh - what did you have in mind?
Why spoil the fun?
Let me just say that, by the end of the day - you’ll be so - tickled - you’ll want me to be your second-in-command.
Strife’s body’s not even cold, yet. You have no shame!
And I like your style!
Oh, baby - there’s a whole lot more of me to like - if you know where to look.
Oh, you know I do.
Go - impress me.
So, the bear sits down.
The tavernkeeper says, ‘You know? We don’t get too many bears in here.’
And the bear says, ‘Well - at these prices, I’m not surprised!’
OK, I guess that one was kind of funny.
You know? Um - usually, when people say something’s funny, they like - laugh?
Sorry.
Well, at least Jason’ll find it a hoot. He’s got a sense of humor.
Ah, I’ve got a sense of humor. I just, uh - exercise it wisely.
You know? I can’t believe Jason and Alcmene are celebrating their second anniversary.
Boy, time flies.
That’s not the only thing.
What’s up, Herc?
You are.
Oh, Iolaus - meet Hermes, the messenger of the gods.
Hi.
All riiiight. You guys are my last gig of the day.
It’s a good thing, too - my feet are killing me.
Well - so, do you have a message for me?
Of course, I’ve got a message for ya.
Uh, it says here, someone swiped Artemis’ bow from her temple.
She’s all tied up at Olympus, and wants you to help her out.
Somebody stole Artemis’ bow?
What did I just say? Didn’t I just say that?
Well, Hercules - it looks like we’re gonna be late arriving at your mother’s.
Uh, it shouldn’t take too long. I think I have a pretty good idea who we’re looking for.
Autolycus! Last time I saw that two-bit hustler, he almost got me killed.
Well, I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you, too.
Well, I gotta bail.
I’m cruisin’ over the palladium later - t’check out the mud wrestling.
It’s real dirty, if you know what I mean.
Later, dudes!
Let me guess, um - he and Aphrodite, are - like, uh, tight, man.
Or, like, uh - totally, dude.
Two for you. Two for you.
Now, that’s the last of it.
You three - take the king’s gold to his vault.
You! Stand guard.
Yes, sir. You can count on me -
to take as much as I can carry while you’re gone.
Hercules!
Ah - whatever your name is. What a pleasant surprise!
I wish I could say the same, Autolycus.
Isn’t stealing the king’s gold a little beneath you?
How good of you to notice.
You see, I figure, every so often, a fella just has to go back to basics.
Besides, the king - ahh, he’s plenty rich.
What about the needs of the people?
Oh, come on! You don’t care about the people.
Of course, I do - I happen to be one of ‘em.
Well - as much as I’ve enjoyed this little reunion, I haven’t enjoyed it - that much.
Good day.
Where’s Artemis’ bow?
Ah - my fame spreads like wildfire.
Nope - like a bad rash.
Oh - fellas, admit it. You’re impressed.
How many mortals can steal from a god and get away with it?
You didn’t get away with it. We’re here to take it back.
Oh, right, uh - well, I’d love to help you out - I really would - but, the problem is, uh - I sold it.
You sold it?! To whom?
If I told you, I would be violating the sanctity of the thief-client relationship.
Autolycus, you’re not gonna fast-talk your way out of this one.
Oh, all right, I’ll tell you.
Ow, that - hurts.
The other white meat.
Hercules?
Hercules!
Has he ever done this before?
I can’t believe this!
You! This is your fault!
Me?! What?!
I didn’t want this to happen!
I didn’t turn him into a pig.
Yeah, well - whoever had the bow did!
I hope it was worth it.
Hey, hey - I didn’t just do it for the money.
Oh, that’s big of you.
You see, when you are the single most gifted thief that ever lived, you’ve gotta find new ways to challenge yourself.
Stealing from a god seemed like a good start.
You need your head read!
Now, listen - who has the bow?
Well, I didn’t catch her name, uh - black hair, black leather, sort of sexy in a tie-me-down-and-hurt-me kind of way.
Oh - Discord. You sold Artemis’ bow to Discord!
Well, how was I supposed to know who she was?!
Can you believe this guy?!
Yeah, uh - you, know, we’re gonna have to go and find a way to get that bow back.
Come on - Herc.
Let’s go, men.
Am I good? Or am I bad?
Oh, the worst - no, you, you’ve - outdone yourself this time.
I have, haven’t I?
I suppose - my brother - is gonna hafta change his name to, um - Porkules!
Ah - admit it - you’ve missed me.
Ohhhh - let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
This is almost as good as killing Hercules - almost.
Unfortunately, pig or no pig - Zeus’s decree still protects the little - oinker.
True - we may not be able to kill Hercules - but it’s gonna be a whole lot easier for someone else to -
and I think I know just the man for the job.
Say, uh - where are we going?
Where there’s Discord, there’s Ares.
We’ve gotta get to his temple to get the bow.
It’s the only thing that can turn Hercules back into himself.
Oh-ho, whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa - Ares? As in - god of war, Ares?
Yeah?
Well give him my regards.
Tell him I really loved what he did with that whole Troy thing.
Now, wait a minute! Hercules has done an awful lot for you.
You owe him.
Listen - you and I both know, if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him.
Besides - he loves being a pig. Just look at the little guy.
This is all just a joke to you, isn’t it?
You little -
Well, let me tell you something, buddy.
Hercules is the best friend I ever had - and yeah, you’re right -
he wouldn’t want us to risk our necks to save him - which is exactly why we’re going to.
Now, he’d do the same for me - even for you.
Well, much as I hate to admit it, you’ve got a point.
Right. Now, come on.
Just one more thing, buddy-boy.
You touch me again and I’ll -
What?
I’ll be just as upset then as I am now?
Discord - my black rose. Where have you been?
Don’t start getting possessive on me, Colchis.
You’re lucky I’m consorting with a mortal at all.
Consort? Interesting choice of words for what we’ve done together.
Don’t flatter yourself, lover. I’ve been around since time began.
You couldn’t even begin to count the notches on my bedpost.
What can I say? I love a woman with experience.
I want you to do something for me.
I hope it involves candlewax.
You say the sweetest things - but no, it involves a pig.
I’ll try anything once.
No, you moron - I’m talking about a very special pig - a pig I want you to kill.
But Discord, I’m the best hunter in the world. Why would I wanna kill a pig?
Because this pig - is Hercules.
- Here - try this. - It’s Ok, Herc.
Yeah, I know.
Hey - I’ll give ya ten dinar for that pig.
Uh - no thanks. He’s - kind of a - family friend.
Make it fifteen and I’ll throw in the pants.
Don’t get your tail in a curl, Hercules. I was joking.
Yeah - you’d sell your own mother if the price was right.
You better stop looking down your nose at me, Blondie. I’ve had it up to my mustache with your insults.
The truth hurts, doesn’t it?
Yeah, so does my fist.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Hand over the pig!
Or suffer Discord’s wrath.
Now, I suppose this is my fault, too.
No, it’s my fault for bothering to argue with a chiseler like you.
Surrender!
A wise move.
Now - throw down your weapons, and say you’re sorry!
Pass me the pig.
What?
Pass me the pig and I’ll get him outta here.
Are you kidding? I wouldn’t trust you with my whole lunch order.
Herc! Wait!
Hercules.
The hounds!
Oh - way to fumble the pig-skin, pal.
Hey, don’t start with me!
Why? What're you gonna do?
Get them!
Get in there!
After them!
Gang way! Come on! Over here!
Thank you!
Thanks!
Well - ain’t you a well-dressed little morsel?
And I just felt like some pork chops tonight.
Herc - where’d he go?
Hercules!
This time - there’s no escape!
That’s right - spread the word! I’m a lover and a fighter!
Come on - we gotta get that wagon!
Yah! Yah!
Hi, there. Nice day for a ride, don’t you think?
I’m Catherine. It’s nice to have some company.
Uh - are-are-are you talking - to me?
Who else would I be talking to?
No offense, but y-you’re - you’re a pig.
Well, have you seen your reflection in the river, lately?
I hate to break it to you, but - you’re a pig, too.
Good point.
So, you got a name, or what?
I’m - Hercules.
Yeah - sure - and I’m Aphrodite.
I - I guess I don’t blame you for not believing me, but, I’m telling you the truth.
OK, I’ll play along. If you’re really the son of Zeus - show me how strong you are.
I can’t. The truth is, I’m having a little trouble getting used to this body.
I’m not.
Oh, boy.
Slow down, will ya?!
We can’t afford to slow down! We gotta get Hercules, before those killers do!
You know, for your information, if you had trusted me back there - Hercules would be safe and sound right about now.
Yeah, or maybe you’d’a sold him off to the highest bidder.
You’ve got me all wrong, Curly.
You know, I may be a thief, but there are some things that even I won’t do.
Like what?!
Like - I won’t drink red wine with fish.
I won’t eat the horse I rode in on.
And I would never - never sell out a friend - which, of course, does not apply to you.
Yeah, well - thanks for clearing that up.
Oh, boy. There’s gotta be over a dozen tracks, here.
Hah - we got a lot of ground to cover.
Oh - hold your camels, Cleopatra. My feet are killing me.
Wait a minute. That’s it - feet!
You know? If we had Hermes’ sandals - we could cover this entire province in no time!
Oh, ho-ho - sure! And he’ll be more than happy to give ‘em to us.
Have you lost a wagon wheel?
Wait a second! Aren’t you the king of thieves?
Oh - not up to the challenge, huh?”
Oh, I see how you are, Mr. Morals - stealing is OK, as long as it suits you, huh?
Listen, we don’t have a choice!
Besides, we can return the sandals after we’re done.
All right - I’ll help you steal those sandals, but we do it my way - Capeche?
Yeah - sure. Now, come on! I know where we can find Hermes!
Oh, you gotta be kiddin’ me.
Come on! Get the lead out!
Yeah - yeah.
Yah! Giddap! Come on - yah!
I knew there was more to life than the farm, but I didn’t realize the world was so big.
How’d you get here, anyway?
See? My folks are what you call traditional.
They still treat me like a baby. So I ran away.
Your parents are probably worried about you, Catherine.
The world’s a dangerous place.
Yeah? Well - thanks, Hercules, but I can take care of myself.
Well, Colchis - your little outing today was a complete success - if you were looking to embarrass yourself.
It’s not my fault, Discord. I’ve never seen ham run so fast.
If you don’t find that pig - you’re name’s mud.
I love it when you talk dirty.
Let me put it to you another way - no pork - no party.
Why didn’t you say so in the first place?
I’ll find him.
So - this is where you spend your nights.
Classy. I can see why you’ve been so secretive - playing house with that pathetic excuse for a warrior.
There’s nothing wrong with a little - diversion from time to time.
Besides - you’ve been such a party-pooper, lately - and you know how I hate to sleep alone.
Make no mistake, Discord - if your little taxidermist fails again - I’ll make sure he sleeps six feet underground.
Stay out of this, Ares. If Colchis fails me, I’ll deal with him - in my own way.
If I didn’t know you better - I’d say you actually cared for that knuckle-dragger.
And if I didn’t know you better - I’d say you were jealous.
I give her six-to-one odds!
All right!
This thing itches.
Well, you said he knows what you look like.
Now, just keep your yap shut - and let me do the talkin’.
OK.
You, sir.
Ah, me?
If I’m not mistaken - and I never am - you’re a god, aren’t you?
Yeah?
Doesn’t mean - you don’t get tired - am I right?
Let me ask you something.
Are you - overworked? Underpaid? And altogether unappreciated?
Well, brother - we got the cure for what ails you.
You have?
We certainly do.
Why, our fine line of skin-care products - will leave you feeling fresh as the day Zeus made you.
We start out with sandalwood oil - and a brisk massage to loosen up those aching muscles.
But I don’t - !
Kids, don’t try this at home.
We follow that with a very rare mud - brought in from the banks of the river -
Legasus - opens the pores - elongs elasticity - and curls the chest hair.
Haven’t I seen you some - ?
Nope!
And last but not least - our own special concoction - reticulated rhubarb oil -
smuggled across the sea by seven Vestal virgins.
Where they hid the rhubarb - I can only imagine.
No way.
Oh, yes, my friend - big way.
Now, you just lie there, and let our goodies work their magic, eh?
And if you’re not satisfied with the results, you come and see us for a full refund -
- if you can find us. Quick, let’s am-scray.
Pig Latin - huh - how appropriate. Hmm - rhubarb, huh?
I got a bad feeling about this place.
Listen, I promise, I won’t let anything happen to you.
The pig’s right. We’ve gotta find a way out of here.
Relax, Woolus. Three meals a day - warm place to sleep - could be worse.
Uh-uh, no. Remember Cluckus - that rooster, who thought he owned the place?
They took him away. We never heard from him again.
What you talkin’ about, Woolus?
Why on Earth would anyone want to hurt us?
For food - I’m sorry to tell you this, but - we’re in a slaughterhouse.
And the man who brought us here is a butcher.
What do you know?! You’re just a common pig!
Maybe so, Daddy-O - but he’s a pig with a point.
Truth of it is - I’ve seen animals like you come and go for years.
I’m sorry, folks - there’s nothin’ you can do.
So, tell me - what was it like watching the king of thieves in action?
From what I saw, I’m surprised you’re not in prison already.
In case you haven’t noticed, I swindled two gods in one day.
Now - ha-ha - I hate to toot my own horn, but, uh - toot, toot.
For your information - I used to be a thief - and you are nothing special.
Well, then it all makes perfect sense. You’re jealous!
Of you?
Hey - denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, Curly.
You look at me, and you see everything you wish you were - everything you could have been, today.
Now, listen you! I was ten times the thief you are!
‘Was’ being the operative word.
Now look at you. You’re nothing but a waterboy to a half-god.
No! To a pig!
Well, that’s because I know that - that making a living out of other people’s hard work is nothing different than being a, a - !
Parasite?
Parasite, yeah!
Say, how’s the weather up there on your - high horse?!
You should tell me.
Well, it’s a little windy, actually, I - ooh!
Iolaus, I - oh, ahh!
Look, Ma - no hands!
How about that? I could get used to this god thing.
Stop this crazy thing!
Shut up, all of ya!
And this little pig - went wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!
All the way to the chopping-block!
OK, little guy - this is gonna be fast and painless!
Autolycus! Come on! Fly straight!
OK - think, Herc.
Good timing.
Excuse me. Out of the way - coming through
You miss me?
You really are Hercules!
Time to get out of here - follow me.
Right behind you.
We’re free! We’re free!
Now’s our chance.
Quickly, everyone!
I gotta tell ya - this whole flying thing is for the birds!
You all right?
What do you care?
Hey - just because I don’t like you doesn’t mean to say I want you dead or anything.
Iolaus, that’s almost a nice thing to say.
Well - don’t let it go to your head.
Where’s Hercules?
You - you came back to save us - even though you could’ve been killed!
I promised I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, and -
You were right - the world’s a dangerous place.
I didn’t know people could be so cruel.
Yes, they can. But - they’re not all bad.
If you’re really one of them - I guess that’s true. I owe you.
You said it.
Hallelujah! Free at last.
Thanks, Hercules.
You’re welcome.
Hercules.
Hey. Come on.
Thank the gods you’re OK.
Pig says, ‘It’s good to see you, too.’
Wait a minute. Are you saying - y-you understand him?
Of course, I can.
That’s the problem with you humans.
You never take the time to listen to us animals.
You know, it’s not bad enough I have to listen to you lecture to me all day.
Now, I gotta take it from bird-brain, here.
Now, now - let’s not forget, I can jump off this here branch, and decorate your head, faster than you can say, ‘Sasquatch.’
Sasquatch!
Will you just stop it!
Discord’s men are still on the prowl! We gotta get to someplace safe!
Pig says, ‘We’ll be safe at Alcmene’s.
Good thinking, Herc.
Come on. Let’s go there.
Oh, uh - would you mind coming with us?
We could - do with a translator.
Yeah - I got nothin’ better to do. By the way - you got any crackers?
Better not mess up my shoulder, pal.
Jason - I’m worried. Hercules was supposed to be here before lunch.
Aw, he’ll be along, soon enough.
Sweetheart - if we had a dinar for everytime Hercules was late because he stopped to help somebody, we’d be rich by now.
Hope she’s not roasting pork.
Alcmene!
There - what did I tell you?
Iolaus, where have you been?
Why is that pig dressed like Hercules?
- Well - - Allow me to explain.
You see - who’s to say one lifestyle is better than another?
Why - just the other day, I ran into a gnome - a little fella.
Will you shut up?! Alcmene - Hercules is -
- going to be late.
No, no - um - he’s -
He’s not coming, is he?
There’s no easy way to say this.
Alcmene - this pig - is - Hercules.
Oh, Iolaus, is this one of your practical jokes?
I’m aftraid not.
Hercules?
Oh, that was smooth.
Two pigs - two men - one walking with a heavier gait.
He has something on his shoulder - a bird of some kind.
And look - the sideways shuffle of the pig on the left indicates - she can’t keep her eyes off the pig on the right.
Hercules! Shouldn’t be far, now.
Sweetheart - you all right?
Oh, Jason, I-I had the worst dream. Hercules was turned into a pig.
I’m afraid that was no dream.
But - how?
Well - it’s a - long story, Alcmene, uh - let’s just say that - Ares and Discord are up to their old tricks.
Hercules - come here, Sweetheart.
You know, it doesn’t matter. I still love you. I always will.
And that goes for me too, buddy.
By the way - who’s your friend?
That’s Catherine. You’re son rescued us from a butcher, Ma’am.
I told you he was helping someone.
So, you got yourself a new girlfriend, huh?
You deviled ham, you.
Oh, please.
Any friend of Hercules is welcome in our home.
She seems - very sweet, Son.
Light ‘em up, men.
Be ready!
Little pig - little pig!
Let me in or I’ll huff ‘n’ I’ll puff, and I’ll - burn your house down!
What are we gonna do?
We’re gonna fight. That’s what we’re gonna do.
Yeah, we’re gonna - we’re gonna do what?
Stay close to me, Catherine, I -
My turn to help you, Hercules.
No! Catherine, wait!
There he is! Grab him!
Yeah! Yeah! There he is! Yeah! Alley-oop!
Too easy.
Discord will be pleased.
To the temple!
Oh, those morons - they got the wrong pig!
Yeah - but if know my pal - we’re about to embark on a rescue mission.
Not to mention, we still need that bow.
Oh-ho-ho - well, well, well -
What? What did I do now?
Well, for a moment there, it sounded like you cared.
Yeah, well - don’t let it go to your head.
So, what are we waiting for?
Uh-huh - right on!
The sandals?
Ah - OK, then. Listen up, everybody - here’s the plan.
All right - let’s see the sausage.
I thought you’d never ask.
Cool it, Colchis. I’m talking about the pig.
Of course. Well, my little love-muffin - are you ready to Rumba?
You idiot! This isn’t Hercules!
What?!
That pig’s a girl!
Well, Discord - I’m afraid your - boy-toy - has embarrassed us long enough.
No - please - give me one more chance.
You’re fired.
Oh, boys - excuse me.
I’m lost. Can you help me?
Look out!
Well, that’s what happens when you mess with my son.
Can you take care of him?
My pleasure.
I wasn’t done with him yet!
Well, I was.
You had no right!
And you have no taste! I’ve seen more imposing shrubs!
Oh, puhlease! Don’t even get me started on the sleazes that slink out of your temple in the morning!
We-ell, the mortal, the merrier - that’s what I always say.
It’s disgusting!
Sounds like jealousy to me.
In your -
- wildest -
Ha-ha-ha - don’t let me interrupt.
I just, uh - dropped in to repo the bow.
This particular brand, you see, has been recalled, and well - I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt -especially me.
Wow, that hurt.
Let - me - have it!
I don’t remember inviting you to the barbeque - but if you insist.
You want it? You’ve got it.
Not the face! Not the face!
Oh, little birdie - ha.
Way to go, Favio.
What’s the matter, Discord? Chicken?
Unless you wanna be the god of gophers - you better make like a tornado - and blow.
I won’t forget this.
You! Are on my list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey! Don’t forget your chicken.
Anytime, anywhere.
Hercules!
Don’t worry - you’re safe, now.
Thanks to you.
Catherine - what you did was very brave - but you shouldn’t have risked your life for me.
I owed you one.
Well - now we’re even.
After all I’ve seen today - I think I made a mistake, running away.
You know, it’s not too late to go back.
Will you - come with me?
It would be my pleasure to take you home.
Hercules - when you’re back in your body - would you do me one last favor?
Anything.
Would you hold me - like your mother held you?
You ready, buddy?
Hercules.
Mother.
It is so good to have you back.
It’s, uh - good to be back, believe me.
Jason, I, uh - look, I’m sorry I missed your anniversary.
I, uh - haven’t been feeling myself, lately.
Having you back’s good enough for us.
I guess under - different circumstances, we - still would hate each other.
Yeah - well - for once - I agree with you.
That’s a start.
Glad to see you guys getting along so well - ‘cause I’d like the two of you to do me a favor.
Well, we took on three gods and saved your curly tail.
I guess we can help you out again. Name it.
First, I want you to bring those, uh - sandals back to Hermes, before you hurt somebody?
And I’ll return Artemis’ bow myself - on the way.
Ah - on the way?
On the way to take a friend home - like I promised.
Oh, Mother, uh - I’ll - I’ll write.
He’s certifiable, you know that.
Yeah - but I wouldn’t have him any other way.